How to Build Resilience in Communication

Have you ever found yourself just losing it with another person?  You say something you regret or you just walk away in frustration.  If this sounds familiar, read on  

Would you like to find another gear, like on a bicycle?  When the hill gets steep and you are getting tired you could choose another gear that is easier.  Wouldn’t you like this when the going gets tough, to find something inside of you that allows for more spaciousness and compassion for others while still helping you get what you want?

I want to share how I have grown in resilience through a Self Empathy practice.  I have a belief that helps support this change in me.  When it comes to empathy, I want to consider myself first as often as possible.  It is just like on an airplane: when the oxygen mask comes down, you want to put it on yourself first before helping others.

Why do it this way?  We have grown up in a culture where sacrifice is accepted and expected.  Sacrifice can wear us down until contempt or resignation takes over.  Then, we have an experience that takes us over the edge.  Next we say or do something we regret.

When we practice Self Empathy we can increase our capacity to respond to life.  Over time, a shift starts to happen.  Because we are translating someone’s words, we start hearing the meaning behind the words and we see the other person’s humanity.  When this becomes natural you find a new capacity and self confidence.  Now, what would have escalated into an argument or isolation becomes an opportunity to create deeper connection.

One of the inmates, Martin, told me his story about this shift.  He had a bunk mate that, in his opinion, was a "slob".  Martin tried communicating with the bunk mate in his old ways, blaming him for the dirt that he tracked in. You can imagine that this did not produce the results he wanted.  He kept cleaning up because it was important to him but one day he had enough - reached his tipping point. Normally this would result in a confrontation and maybe even a fight. However, he had learned about self-empathy in the prison NVC class and decided to try it out. After doing self-empathy he became more aware of the underlying needs related to his bunk mate, which went beyond the surface idea of "cleanliness." Once he "translated" his judgments (slob!) and wishes (cleanliness!) into feelings and needs, he discovered that what he was longing for was more respect and consideration - commodities that were in high demand in that setting.


When he approached his bunk mate with this insight - that for him the cleanliness was about respect and consideration, his bunk mate was much more willing to cooperate. After all, he understood the value of these underlying needs, which he also shared. Martin was thrilled with this result, because until this point, he thought he was stuck. He had found another gear. He discovered he had more power in his world.

Practicing Self Empathy can lead to speaking it naturally to those around you.  Have fun finding your gears.

Please write in and share so we can learn from each other.

How to have Self Empathy

In my last post I wrote about how important Self Empathy was for me.   Now I want to explain my process. 

Empathy is the relationship between a tree's roots and leaves.

Why take on adopting a practice of self empathy?   You would need a motivating reason; otherwise this will be another one of those nice techniques we have all tried and forget to use.  Well, here are some of the reasons I have integrated self empathy into my life.

First is finding my own power.   I, like many, had a view of the world that power was mostly external. I identified power with the trapping of a good home, a nice car, a well paying job, a large bank account and good friends - or whatever external resources I had access to. What I noticed when I started teaching at the prison is that all the inmates had their external resources stripped away. I started exploring internal power with them. They discovered that the correctional officers could not take away their internal power. Many of the inmates, when they realized this, got very curious about how to develop internal power.

The second motivating factor was to change my belief about self responsibility.   I want to be fully responsible for my thoughts, feeling and actions. When I started living this, two shifts occurred. First, have you ever noticed yourself or someone else say “You are making me mad”? I realized that saying “You are making me mad” is one way to give away my power.  When I stopped doing this I stopped projecting blame on others, taking back the power of my own feelings.  Second, all the thoughts that I had that I did not enjoy, whether they were about me or others, were something for which I could take responsibility by identifying what was important behind the thought (see tips below). When I did this, I stopped taking these thoughts as personally.

If you are still interested, then how do you make this into a practice? It requires a conscious effort to use the skill when opportunities arise. Once you have adopted this practice and have used it for a period of time, it will become organic.  In other words, you will enjoy using self empathy because you will enjoy the results. You may notice yourself becoming more happy, satisfied and peaceful.  I have been practicing it since 2009 and it is now natural for me to do, leading me to have more passion, power, clarity of purpose and self-mattering in my life.

Here are the four steps of self empathy:

Observations – notice what has happened. This could be an action or something said by yourself or others.  Try to strip down your story of what happened. It is natural for us to judge everything. Just separate your judgment from the facts.

Feelings – notice how you are feeling about it now. You may have many feelings.  Noticing them will help give you access to what is important to you in this moment.

Needs – identify the underlying meaning for this event. What is truly important to you? See it as a need vs. a strategy. Strategies are just paths to getting our needs met.  Stay open to the possibility that many strategies and resources are available to fulfill your needs.

Requests – notice if there is a request you could make of yourself or others that would satisfy your needs.  This step in where the power is generated.  For self empathy to be effective there needs to be action.  If you do not see a request it is okay.  It just means you need more empathy.  Repeat the first three steps until a request emerges.

In closing, think of this as going shopping for a new coat. You walk in the store. You see one on the rack. You try it on, see if it fits. Does it have the features you like? Do you look good in it? Basically you are judging you experience of that coat. Go experience self empathy.

Source: I want to give credit to “Non-violent Communication” created by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD for the basic self empathy process.

Epiphany of Self Empathy

My first blog post, I am a bit nervous about starting this, but here I go anyways.  I expect most of my posts will be about creating connection in the world.  You may be wondering why this is important to me.  Seven years ago I was introduced to Nonviolent Communication (NVC) created by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.  During my first four years of awareness about NVC I held it mostly as a set of communication skills that would help me when getting what I wanted was difficult.  During this four year period I had the opportunity to attend a two day workshop with Marshall in Santa Barbara, California.  I got a glimpse that there was the possibility of more.

 

 

Then in 2009 I became unemployed and I decide to attend an International Intensive Training in Albuquerque, New Mexico, where once again I got to explore this NVC with Marshall for nine days.  I arrived with normal human baggage that one could have.  My heart was filled with dissatisfaction and unworthiness.  My head was full of thoughts that reinforced these feelings.  I wasn’t really present to life.  I was present to how I could show up acceptable.  I was hiding behind this persona.  What was alive in me was how unhappy I was with this way of being.

The invitation of being at this training is, one can live this NVC world 24/7 for nine days in community.  The fundamental piece of NVC is empathy.  We had the opportunity to practice empathy with ourselves or with others.  Given I was looking for personal change I held this as an experiment to see if I could alter myself by practicing self-empathy.  I set at minimum I would twice a day practice self empathy, once in the morning with a cup of coffee and again at night before falling asleep. 



After three days of this practice, plus all the other opportunities during the day, I found on the four day I was happier.  What I noticed is that all that baggage that was there no longer felt like the weight of the world.  I had found clarity about what was important about each issue and decided on action I would take in the future when I returned home.  I had discovered a way to free myself from the burden of my thoughts and feelings that I could not accept.  This was an epiphany for me.  I realized how I could take responsibility for my experience in a new way.